The Anti-Swagger Manifesto Part 1
Setoiyo
Swagger (v) - How one presents him or herself to the world. Swagger is shown from how the person handles a situation. It can also be shown in the person's walk.
- A person’s style-the way they walk, talk and dress.
- To move with confidence, sophistication.
Ladies and gentlemen it is my fondest and most dear of wishes to return to a time when things were simpler. To a time when the air was cleaner, the orange juice had less pulp and women’s butts were bigger and more mysterious. It would appear that in the year 2010 the general consumer has been bombarded with imagery that instructs us on how to dress, what to eat, what to watch and at what time one should wash their ass. Now all this imagery was perhaps the perfect distraction from the last 8 years of utter nonsense that was The Bush Administration (and as some would argue, the equally disappointing Obama administration), but now that Bush’s time has come and gone and the fog that once clouded our vision appears to be dissipating (Tea Party would beg to differ) I believe it is time to take a look back at a time when life was more…clean, shall we say. Ladies and gentlemen I wish to return to 1997. However, before we do that I feel it appropriate that we look back at the years since 1997 that make this glorious year my personal wet dream at night.
Music
Now let us not be mistaken “Swagger” existed in 1997 but not at the ridiculous level it’s at now. Let us begin with rap music as it is now and how it was in 1997. For the past 10 years the state of commercialized rap music has been on a constant and steady creative downward spiral. The idea of well thought out rhymes over solid beats is almost as ancient as the dinosaurs and has been replaced by hyper-masculine, money hungry, and for some reason always shirtless men (i.e. 50 Cent). Now I’m not saying 50 Cent doesn’t have the right to take his shirt off, he worked hard for that body and after being shot 9 times it’s a wonder he still has a chest to show off. But must 50 be shirtless in damn near every picture? 50 Cent is a multi-millionaire, minus the high-school diploma; with all that money he could buy a plethora of shirts (really nice ones that have his name on it). Am I upset this man makes money taking his shirt off? Yes, I only seem to be able to make money with my shirt on, however that does nothing to lessen the fact that this man is a semi-nudist who hasn’t come up with an original song since his debut on the mainstream stage.
50 is not the only artist guilty of such an offense. There are a myriad of rap artists now who either refuse to wear clothing on a semi-regular basis or rap about drugs, money, and constantly degrade women. Takes a set of brass balls to exploit a genre of music knowing all the while that you are doing nothing to contribute to the art-form that is rapping; while simultaneously perpetuating a stereotype of how young men and women should look, think, dress and view themselves and each other. We all want to look fly and fresh but there are a few things that “Swagger” has taken away from us (young adults) that we desperately need back. For young urban men (or rich e-thugs who love to play the part on weekends) the absence of the belt on pants has become a pervasive problem in our society. If a young man is insistent on buying a pair of pants that are three sizes too big for him it would be only in good judgment to wear a belt. However, the young man seems to disagree, you see he has “Swagger” and that gives him what a belt never could…confidence. Sure he’s only 5’10” and weighs about 145 lbs soaking wet, fully clothed, after a hot bowl of spaghetti but he has “Swagger” so fuck you(and ya mama).
In 1997 things were much simpler. Puff Daddy was the perennial champion of mainstream rap music and damn it was good. It may seem ludicrous to make such a statement but there are factors that must be considered. Yes, Puff Daddy did sample damn near every song from the 70’s and early 80’s. Yes, the phish eyed lens view in the music videos became a bit annoying after awhile. Lastly yes, he couldn’t really rap. However he did something that was so damn vital that its importance cannot go unnoticed…HE WORE SHIRTS! Not only shirts but he has also been a steady and faithful belt-on-pants practitioner for well over 20 years. We like to talk about the woes of our economy, the issue of same sex marriage, and pro-life vs. pro-choice but the issue of non belt wearing dumb-asses fell by the waist side to many of us. Not to Puffy. Long before Puffy was Rocking the Vote he was “rocking” the medium white tee-shirt, 32 x 34 pants, with matching belt combo. Puff had/has the braggadocios nature of 50 cent when it came to money however he has been far less aggressive in his lyrics when it came to killing people and the degradation of women. This is not to say that Puffy never had violent and misogynistic songs but the volume pales in comparison to 50, plus at the end of the day Puffy just wanted the listener to dance (It should also be noted that Puffy’s shooting incident at Club New York was a good two years away, damn 97 was good). While 50 could have the very same intention with his music his adamant refusal to wear shirts also makes me think he wants the viewer to spend an inordinate amount of time looking at his pecks.
Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton I think it only appropriate to address your existence for a moment. First, let me start of by saying that while a lot of this nonsense that is “Swagger” applies to you I feel it unnecessary to spend two pages bashing you, and I’ma tell you (and the reader) why. It’s not the fact that damn near every writer has already devoted three pages to condemning you. Paris I am willing to admit something many others are not…I watched your sex tape (ALL THE WAY THROUGH). It is for this reason and this reason alone that I will not bash you, because in truth it would be very hypocritical of me if I choose to go down that path. If I chose to go down that path it wouldn’t be hard, the bread-crumbs have already been laid out before me and all I would have to do is follow the trail of low fat wheat bread crumbs to the promise land. However, in truth, I would look like a damn fool smearing you knowing all the while I saw you give one of the more dedicated blowjobs of 2004. What type of man would I be taking pot shots at you knowing that in 2005 I watched your tape and thought to myself: “Ya know, she's not really pretty, and the film quality sucks, but she seems to really have her heart in the right place with what she's doing.” I would be a low man Paris and because of that I have no quarrel with you. Tell Lindsey I said “Hi.” (Those two are still cool, right?)
Cell Phones
When swagger meets electronics you get cell phones. In 1997 not owning a cell phone was not viewed as a mortal sin that could only be corrected by Japanese ritual suicide. In fact in 1997 there were fewer distractions because of how sparse cell phone owners were across the United States and with fewer distractions there are fewer social fuck ups. Lack of cell phones meant fewer distractions when driving, walking, when in school, while at the gym, working, taking a shit and fucking. Now fast forward to 2010 and you will see that things are much different; there are nothing but distractions as it relates to cell phones. And it’s not the talking that creates problems with cell phones; you see the actual idea of being able to communicate with others via talking while on the run is sound in theory. It’s all the unnecessary shit that comes afterward that turns a convenient tool into something to be deified by 14 and 54 year olds alike.
When a cell phone evolves from communication tool into a vehicle with which people can begin to identify themselves with we, as a society, become officially fucked. It’s already bad enough that some of these cell phones have names like: “the blackberry,” “the dare,” “the envy,” “the razor,” “the chocolate,” “the juke,” “the ‘dark’ chocolate,” and “the voyager.” Okay so in literal terms these items are; a fruit (blackberry), a proposition (the dare), an emotional feeling (the envy), a tool with which people we use to shave their bodies (the razor), a candy (the chocolate), a dance/music box (the juke), the same candy yet “darker” (the dark chocolate), and a space shuttle from the show Star trek (the voyager). Now you try and tell me that “Swagger” hasn’t completely fried our brains. The bleakness of this situation is only amplified by the fact that people seem to want these cell phones based on their name, look, and popularity. Everyone wants a damn “chocolate,” and they are not talking about a snickers bar. At least once a month a friend comes up to me and says; “Bro check out my new “dare/chocolate/razor/blackberry/envy/I-Phone…It’s freakin sweet, and it only cost me two-hundred dollars. Well, technically it cost me three-hundred and fifty dollars but I get a hundred dollar rebate, and I signed a new two year agreement so they took an extra fifty dollars off. So yeah, basically it was two-hundred dollars.” This is not something to brag about. This is a psychotic condition and there is no medical drug that can fix it.
Part 2 coming soon...
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