On My Radio.: The Anti-Swagger Manifesto Part 1

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On My Radio.: Turn off the Flash!

On My Radio.: Turn off the Flash!: "Nightclubs have helped keep the male erection strong for the last 100 years while simultaneously giving women a false sense of importa..."

Turn off the Flash!

Nightclubs have helped keep the male erection strong for the last 100 years while simultaneously giving women a false sense of importance and nurturing the ”little princess” complex.  Under ideal circumstances the nightclub should be a human symphony where social interaction is encouraged through dancing, responsible alcohol consumption, and freak-um dresses/bling amongst men and women that promote potential coitus (with proper use of contraceptives of course).  However, due to the inescapable bullshit inherent in the human condition the nightclub has become a train wreck filled with: doormen, ever changing dress codes, ridiculous guest lists, exceedingly high cover charges that are never an accurate representation of the what entrance into said nightclub is worth in actual dollars, and bad pop music.  While this does discourage many from entering such a vast wasteland of social filth I have not yet given up on the idea that one can go out and have a good time without it having to be at the expense of others.  Call me an idealist, call me a glutton for punishment, call me the illegitimate son of Bill Cosby who is still waiting for his first child support check, but I believe that we do not have to punish others so that we can have fun.  

To attain such lofty ambitions it is necessary that we rid ourselves of certain” influences” to ensure such  goals can be attained.  Now the doormen and dress codes can stay.  I know they are an inconvenience, but these are the inconveniences we can live with in America... These things do not truly kill the night club experience (just give us a reason to complain about something and lets face it if we did not have something to complain about how happy would we truly be?). These things do:

Cameras

        This is a serious fucking problem in nightclubs.  Not because you should not be allowed to re-live your nightclub moments on facebook for the next 5 years but because the flash that these seemingly nuclear powered cameras contain are slowly turning the rest of patrons (who have the decency to leave that shit at home) in the nightclub blind (while killing the sperm count of every man within a 100 foot radius).  I understand that for many young men and women, hitting up the club on a semi-regular basis is not high on their priority list.  The unforeseen burden of early parent-hood, living outside their own financial means, social insecurity and undiagnosed clinical depression make it hard to go out on somewhat of a regular basis.  However, that is no excuse to take 237 snaps on that radioactive, mighty-morphing power ranger-esque camera in one night.  People have the right to relive their memories, however people also have the right to walk out of  a club at the end of the night with their eyesight intact.   While I have nothing against facebooking I do find it distressful when over 200 pictures are snapped in one evening only to wind up on The facebook the next day... and if you must put these pictures on facebook please come up with better album titles than; “Who Dey Weekend,” “The night I’ll never remember,” and “Don’t worry I’m still a Republican/Believe in God/Nancy Pelosi supporter.” No one is saying be absurdly creative with the album title, just try to be more honest.  Remember, men and women have lost their eyesight just so you could re-live your weekend in pictures forever.  The title of your album should at least reflect this; “The night we made 20 people go blind while listening to Gaga,” “We stood in the center of the dance floor all night  and did nothing but make the fucking duck face,” “I wear Affliction T-shirts...fuck your feelings.” If we cannot take pictures without a flash and cannot be honest about our facebook album titles then we simply cannot bring these cameras into nightclubs.

        

        Bachelor/Bachelorette parties

         “One last night out as a single man/woman.” I find this statements  and the subsequent actions that follow to be offensive for a number of reasons.

1. It gives the bride the “right” to wear sashes and ridiculous head wear that read “bride to be.”
2. Constant and obnoxious song requests to “hear my favorite song” throughout the entire night.
3. Encourages women to make  a cocoon like circle around the bride IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR!
4. Promotes the use of CAMERAS in dimly lit nightclubs.
5. Gives many men an over-inflating ego that enables them to act as if they were born, breed, and learned to drive in New Jersey, for the night .
6. Promotes various MMA themed T-shirts/clothing lines (let's be honest...this shit has no place in a nightclub).  

How many must suffer for a night just because you are choosing to engage in having routine (and possibly mediocre) sex with one person for the rest of your life? Sure, the  nighclub patrons could always choose to depart and leave the bachelor/bachelorette parties to their own devices,however to leave under such circumstances is to condone behavior that is socially irresponsible and just annoying as hell.  We would all be better served having gone to a nightclub and having Christine O’ Donnell as the resident DJ  followed by a live  one hour acoustic set performed by Nickelback, than have to deal with that nonsense

Texting on the dance floor

In the age of facebooking, skyping, twittering and texting/sexting while driving (while eating, while working, and while shitting) it seems completely logical that we as a society would also engage in such sadomasochistic behavior  as texting nonsensical dribble while (hopefully) good music is playing. Both men and women engage in such behavior for many of the same reasons...however, there are some stark differences. In an attempt to engage healthy thought, let me explain why this act should not longer continue on the dance floor between the sexes. 

• Men- There are women in this club stupid! Put the phone down immediately and waste the rest of your evening trying unsuccessfully get this girl's number and/or simulate sex while dancing like a rational American adult. Since there is a solid chance that most heterosexual men will not be going out to dance by themselves, (or dance at all in many cases) we should at least come up with a solid back-up plan that does not involve sipping a beer IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DANCE FLOOR, texting somebody who prolly could care less about what you have to say. If  no women inhabit said nightclub...leave. Don’t text, just leave. 
• Women- It’s truly annoying when women engage in this activity because modern nightclubs are designed, in many cases, to cater to you. Please, put the phone down,. Continue dancing (at whatever skill level you can), continue yelling whenever you favorite song comes on, continue pouring your alcohol  (that you did not buy) on the ground  while dancing, but for the love of God put the phone back in your purse and leave it  in that bottomless pit of female accessories.   By texting you are fucking with the dance floor and ruining the fantasy of what you could be like if you were interesting.