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Sunday, October 31, 2010

On My Radio.: Chris Brown and his failed attempt at 'Universal H...

On My Radio.: Chris Brown and his failed attempt at 'Universal H...: "Chris you had the whole world in the palm of your hands. Complete with movie-star good looks, strong vocal range, tremendous dancer and all..."

Chris Brown and his failed attempt at 'Universal Heart-throb status.'


Chris you had the whole world in the palm of your hands. Complete with movie-star good looks, strong vocal range, tremendous dancer and all around great performer. This is nothing new when speaking of most black men who choose to venture into your field of entertainment but Chris you were supposed to be different. You were the "Chosen One," and all black men knew it and accepted it, because if any black man was to be the first to accomplish this feat for the black race it was to be you Chris. It’s 2009 and Barack Obama is president, the black community has official disowned Michael Jackson (until he dies of course), OJ Simpson is finally in jail, and white men wanna have sex with Beyonce. Now I’m not saying the black community has fixed all its problems, but for the first time in a long time things appear to be on the right track. Then we have you Chris, our golden seed, our pride and joy. Chris you were to be the first black man in the history of black men to reach Universal Heart-throb status, and damnit you fucked it all up.
First it is important that we define the term Universal Heart-throb.
  1. Universal (adj)-Of, relating to, extending to, or affecting the entire world or all within the world; worldwide.
  2. Heart-throb (noun) - a man, esp. a film or pop star, who is attractive to a lot of women or girls.
Uh-huh, an accomplishment that no black man has ever achieved, many have tried and all have failed. Now it is important to note that the term Universal Heart-throb does not mean that every woman from every race wants to have sex with you: no, this simply means that from every single race there are a group of attractive women that would have sex with you. To be honest I never thought any black man would even come close to reaching this plateau in my lifetime, but in the spring of 2008 I began to notice that Chris Brown was coming incredibly close. I began to notice this while I was walking on the campus of The Ohio State University and as I was walking past a bar as two white, skinny blond girls were walking in the opposite direction of me and Chris Brown’s “Run it” was coming from the bar. The blond white girls immediately began to sing his song then broke out into giggles about how “hot Chris Brown is” and how they would “totally f*ck him.” I was shocked! They said Chris Brown was “hot,” not “hot for a black guy” just hot, so hot in fact that these two blond white women would be more than willing to engage in consensual (SOOOO very important, cannot stress enough) premarital, sexual intercourse with this man. For a black man, when the skinny blond white girls want to have sex with you, you are truly crossing over.
But it didn’t just stop there, soon I heard Asian women echoing the same sentiments as the blond white skinny girls. This was the kind of black man that women of any race could stand next to and not feel the least bit threatened that he might do something to harm them because of any lingering “black rage.” White, Asian, Latin, Greek, and almost Indian (Chris still had some work to do before he won them over) felt secure when their teenage daughters asked to go see a Chris Brown concert. I'm fairly certain every white woman I ever dated would have least made out with him, and at the time they would have been right in doing so. Then came the endorsement deals with Wrigley’s gum, Chris was officially as American as apple pie. When Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. gave the “I have a dream” speech this was some of the sh*t Dr. King was talking about, sure Obama being president is all nice and good but Chris was about to do something that transcended politics, race, class, and perhaps even sexual orientation: This man was about to end up on a lunchbox. The last and most vital step of not only immortality but also of Universal Heart-throb status is his happy ass face on a lunchbox.
Unfortunately Chris had an incident that forever changed that and quite frankly I am pissed! I am pissed because Chris choose to be selfish instead of thinking of black men everywhere, if he had made it then in some round-about way we would have all made it (or at least had to capacity to achieve such an incredibly vain yet cool social title). Now I don’t know what happened, and I have heard the rumors however those rumors are about as reliable as George Bush’s stimulus bill or Rod Blagojevich’s spending plan for the Illinois roads before he got the boot. So once again black men everywhere must mourn another man, believed to be stud but in truth was a dud, and add him to the list of men with high scores, but failing grades. We wanted Jackie Robinson but instead got Darryl Strawberry and are left to ponder not only what could have been but also what the f*ck did this young woman do/say that would possibly warrant such an ass whoppin? Young man you could have been the champ, but right now you’re looking a lot like Ike Turner.

Universal Heart-throb Honorable mentions:
  • Will Smith- Aged like a fine wine Will has always been a steady and good artist. However, his only claim to fame that is truly worth mentioning in all fairness is not getting into any type of trouble for over 20 years while remaining in the spotlight.
  • Denzel Washington- One of the best actors to ever grace the silver screen. A true Thespian in every sense of the word. His down fall: The 1995 release of Virtuosity.
  • Omarion- Former lead singer of B2K whose solo career never reached the level of mega-star.
  • Tyson Beckford-The superstar model who didn’t say a word for over 10 years. However, rumors of abuse against the women he dates threw him out of the running long ago.
  • LL Cool J-The Self professed greatest of all times music career has stalled over the last 10 years and countless pictures of him shirtless have given him the dubious “Mandingo” distinction.
  • Taye Diggs- Solid on stage-talent but never came close to the heights of lunchbox status.

(It’s a short list, but all the other have either gone crazy or beat the sh*t out of some woman).

                                                               Close, but no cigar.


Tuesday, October 19, 2010

QUE?

A good friend of mind asked me a very provocative question recently.

Setoiyo, if black people were the first to land in America what would they have called this land?”

Unfortunately I do not possess the mental aptitude to give a definitive answer to as to what the name of this country would be. However, knowing us blacks we prolly would have changed the name of this country at least 27 times (this is neither good nor bad, just how I see it). While I can’t tell you what those 27 names would have been... I can give you 5 that I believe would have been chosen between the time period of 1800-2010.
  1. Umbuntwana” (hold over from the continent of Africa).
  2. Harlemo” (remember this is if blacks got here first. We love names that end in ‘A’ or ‘O’).
  3. Ass-land” (this may seem like a lazy one, but keep in mind we love asses and its fair to say there would have been at least 3 civil wars revolving around a woman’s ass. I like to call this “nigga romance”).
  4. New Africa (.this name, or some off-shoot of it, would have stuck around the longest. You would still have separate nation states as opposed to the states in America).
  5. James Brown ( pretty self explanatory. I’m fairly convinced that if blacks would have gotten here first he would have been the best shot at a unified president. This would have been great for the whole world in terms of music...however, it prolly would have also marked the end of the black man’s ‘rule’ over this country and would have shifted power to our Asian counterparts...Yes, Asian.