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Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
On My Radio.: Lube Please? A Love Story.
On My Radio.: Lube Please? A Love Story.: "“Can my media figures please stop Fucking me in the ass?”-Setoiyo (2008) I have since learned that the answer to the above question is 'no.'..."
Lube Please? A Love Story.
“Can my media figures please stop Fucking me in the ass?”-Setoiyo (2008)
I have since learned that the answer to the above question is 'no.' Some may be under the assumption that every time I open my mouth or strike a keyboard it is with the intention of either garnering a chuckle or making a point. It does disappoint me to reveal that in reality I am a glutinous individual, who at times takes pleasure in things that may be deemed abusive. Let me assure you, it is not as if I have not tried to run from the abuse of my media. Unfortunately all that time on the track field during my teenage years has done me little good in the grand scheme of things. Make no mistake I'd much rather write sweet love stories or post civil war epics. However, I have let myself be ruined by media figures that obviously have no concern for my mental well being (and in this case, my anus...figuratively speaking...”no homo” for all the hip-hop enthusiasts). Since I know it won't stop, and on a weekly, dare I say, daily basis, I'm going to have to bend over and take one (without being given a proper dinner date and some light caressing mind you), I have but one question to ask of my media:
“Can you at least use some lube on me first?”-Setoiyo (2011)
Perhaps in order to get what I want from my media figures, I must change the question entirely...because I am quite sure I cannot go with images like this.
Kanye West
Every time Kanye West says something stupid on TV, my credit score drops and the interest rate on my car loan increases. This has been utterly confusing to me because I pay my bills on time. Since I lack the scientific knowledge to explain this in a natural way as it relates to the universe, I now find myself in a state of panic. At first, I tried to attribute this phenomenon to the fact that we live on a cooling planet that is often too hot and too cold to sustain life. Realizing this, I desperately checked my zodiac sign and my horoscope. I was directed to “give more of my time and resources.” So, I donated money to some of Mr. West's causes in the hopes of off-setting some of his diva like behavior and sparing my economic character....A week later the MTV video music award incident with Taylor Swift occurred. My credit score dropped 12 points and the interest rate on my car loan went up like clockwork the next business day. But, I have now figured out what's causing all of this!!! Mr. Kanye West just has to shut up. Mr. West can be confident and a braggart all he likes, but he must stop yelling in front of white people in public. They simply do not like it. This young man is doing damage to many black peoples credit. Some blacks don't believe me, but I ask of them one question: Have you checked your credit score after a Kanye West outburst? It would be in your best interest to do so. Mr. West must stop yelling and being emotional over trivial matters. I don't particularly care for his music, but if he is able to control himself I am more than willing to champion any of his artistic endeavors. To clarify, I AM MORE THAN WILLING TO WHORE OUT MY MUSICAL TASTES LIKE A USED UP 1980'S PORNSTAR IN ORDER FOR MR. WEST TO SHOW SOME SELF RESTRAINT AT AN AWARDS SHOW. I would like to pay off my car loan within it's five year contract, so of Mr. West I must ask:
Can you go easy on us when your on stage there guy?
Many of us blacks would like to maintain our credit scores and not be forced to try and explain your actions when we go into work the next day. Thank you.
M.T.V.
MTV must simply go away. We must be done with this totalitarian dictator of cable television. The Real world, Road Rules, Jersey Shore, Skin, True Life: all have contributed to the downfall of my most prized channel on cable television. I no longer mourn the death of the music video (and take the thought of MTV2 and MTV Euro out of your mind right now). All the reality shows listed above fill me with more rage than curious delight. Had it not been for 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom, I would have been able to turn away from this channel long ago with no feeling of regret. Now that Dr. Drew and his clan of non-contraceptive using teenagers have invaded my life, I find myself transfixed to my television every Tuesday night like an addict. Surely a child of the 1980's crack epidemic (me) would be able to learn from that era and not make the same mistake of falling for a drug for which there is no escape. Alas, my will is not strong enough. I am riddled with the sickness of Teen Mom/16 & Pregnant. Anyone who finds themselves reading this and judging me negatively is completely justified. Look down upon me. Scoff and think less of me if you must. But, please know that I am one of the brave few who is willing to share my stories and failures. So, this plea goes to MTV as a whole....
Can you please just shut down?
My roommate refuses to cancel the cable and I cannot bare to look away. If I do I could miss Chelsea's latest spat with Adam on Teen Mom, and that is a fate worse than death (told you I was sick).
Setoiyo (a personal letter)
I have implored you to stop with this nonsense for some time now, yet you have carried on like a 13 year old boy with your daddy's stash of porn magazines. So, I must get strong with you. You must turn everything off immediately. No radio, No tv, no internet...nothing. MY DEAR SIR DO SOMETHING WITH YOURSELF! Learn how to ride a bike properly, try to swim and actually enjoy it, fly kite's outside, and for the love of God man smile in your pictures (your momma told you that you have incredible teeth)! Take up Yoga, do Pilates, go out into nature and try and not complain. Don't just kill a bug because you see it and start drinking those dumb ass fruit/veggie shakes that always give off that weird greenish-brown color. I'm sure this is a lot for you to process, but it cannot be denied that your priorities are clearly in the wrong place. If Mr. West snaps and your credit still gets fucked, this is fine. Just don't watch Mr. West fucking up. MTV Setoiyo.... Grow up. Sorry to say it ole' boy but the high blood pressure inherent in many blacks in this great land also applies to you. So, I must ask you:
Can you find something more productive to write about?
Turn everything off and go outside.
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